The story...LONG...

[kittenspeaks]

So, I had left karaoke. He showed up at my place about 20 minutes later. I met him at the door, returned his hat and said nothing. He asked to use my bathroom. I conceeded and let him in. I returned to my couch and the laptop. When he emerged from the bathroom he sat next to me on the couch.
"So, you staying for a bit."
"Yeah. What did they say?"
"They said the same thing as both the urine tests. I am pregnant. Only now we knoe there is a conception date of April 6-13th... Remember the week you hunted me down at the star bar and asked me to take you home with me? Talked about our "trial period"? Spent most of the week in bed with me...that would be when."

There was much conversation after that of me being kind of angry and crying a lot and letting him know he has been an asshole to walk out on me when I told him I was pregnant. He asked me if I wanted him back. I said no.
"I think I can fairly safely say that I don't love you anymore."
His reply- He kissed me. Deeply. Then he said "I had hoped that we could take a little time to grow and change than then..."
"Then what?"
"Well, it doesn't mater if you don't love me anymore."
Then he kissed me again. Longer, deeper.
"Now, tell me again that you don't love me anyore."
I just wept.
"When I came over a couple of weeks ago to tell you we needed to stay away from each other you asked me if I could say that I didn't love you. Ask me that again."
"Ok, tell me that you don't love me."
"I can't."
I just cried more.

We talked more. He agreed to be more supportive emotionaly and financially with the whole pregnancy thing and to generally try to be a friend.
So, I broke down. I talked about how sick I had been. I talked about how scary and alone it all was. I told him of all the offers from people to be here for me and me being unwilling to take it most of the time.

"Should I be the one whose shoulder you cry on?"
Me- more crying.
"Do you want me to stay the night?"
...
"Do you? I will. Do you want me to spend the night?"
"I don't know. I mean...."
"Please. Let me stay. Let me hold you and take care of you."
At this I just collapsed.

So, he stayed. He held me all night. He kissed me and apologized. He told me how much he had missed me. Then we slept. When we woke the next afternoon he began to kiss me. Morning mouth and all. He removed my clothes and we had sex. (I would ilke to say made love but I will not be so presumptious.) Between gasps he told me that he missed me, he had said before that I was still the most attractive woman he knew.

After, we held each other. We didn't talk. I think we both knew how complicated things were/are...pregnancy or no. (Sarah hit the nail on the head when she said "The two of you are still so wrapped up and hung up on each other you really just need to hash it all out.") I told him that we had to stop falling into bed together. He nodded. I told him that, to be honest, withthe pregnancy and how compliated it has already been I had been so scared and alone that I probably would have had sex with anyone who just held me and told me it was all going to be all right. This is really saying a lot for me since I am incapable of having casual sex.

As he was leaving I told him that I didn't want thing to be anymore complicated than they had to be.
"I know that you still have feelings for me that make being my friend difficult. It is a hard line to hold. So I'll make you a deal. You take the responsibiltiy to make sure that you continue to be a friend, especially about the pregnancy and I'll take the responsibility to make sure that we don't wind up having sex again until things are less confusing."
He just nodded.
Then he kisssed me.

Now, this is what I don't get...
HE is the one who decided that we couldn't be in a relationship until he is done "sorting out his life". With that- what difference does it make if I still love him? What difference does it make if he still loves me? It doesn't really change anything...right? Why did he need to make that a point? I really had resigned myself to the idea that he was just going to be an asshole about the whole thing. At best he might throw some money at the problem. (But, his chronic unemployment status made that very doubtful.)

Now....It is hard. All the resolve that I had to get through this without him is shaken. I have felt from the very begining that HE was the one who should be here for me in this because he was the other side of the equasion. It didn't relly have anything to do with the past 2 years of being in relationship. It wasn' t that he was ever my fiancee or boyfriend. It was that he is the one who got me pregnant and has responsibilites toward that end.

I do want us to be able to be friends. We were always good at that. I haven't really givenany thought to whether or not I could be in a romantic relationship with him or not. All I have really thought about the past couple of months is being pregnant, broke and unemployed. Solving this issue is the focus of my life. I have realized that since I do still have feelings for him that I can't be in a relationship with someone else because it would be unfair to the other person. But I haven't thought much about being back with Berny.

Why am I tossing all this out here? This is a locked post for women out there who I know are very strong and a couple of men who understand nd valuse feminine strength. I am feeling the need for that feminine strength. I need the input of strong women to tell me why Berny would need to bring up the love issue. I need the thoughts from other strong women for why I might have fallen back into bed with him so easily that night when I knew it was wrong. I need a view point of why Berny's input and support of all of this strife would be so much more soothing to me than that of every other person in my life...especially when I know I can't trust him to maintain it. Thoughts? Sympathy? Empathy? And yes, even the due smacks for being so...what ever it is I am being.....

He and I are supposed to maybe spend time together this weekend. I want the time with him as a friend. I want the placebo effect of his occasional support and compassion. But, that is ALL I want of our time together. I don't want to fall into the trap of "rewarding him for bad behavior" as D would put it.

Comments

[fairyhead.livejournal.com]

As an observer from the sidelines ...

It seems that he comes back and apologizes for hurting you, every time you are about to get over him. I don't think this bodes well. While every couple has their ups and downs, I don't feel like there's been an appropriate amount of respect and consideration given to you. I don't like that.

I think he needs to know that he 'has' you, but doesn't know what to do with you. If this was just a matter of some confusion/conflict, I'd say "You two will work through it." But, things have gone beyond that multiple times. I worry about you, because you deserve to be treated better than that.

Why would you fall in bed with him so easily? Easy ... you're going through an incredibly scary/tough situation right now. There's comfort in sex, there's comfort in being held, there's comfort in getting acknowledgment from someone you love and trusted. I think that's a very human thing to do.

So, be careful ...

{{hug}}

[martinhesselius.livejournal.com]

::Nods::
What she said.

[misterrain.livejournal.com]

Since you ask --

FH has it on the nose, I think. I also think, from what little I know of your relationship, that he'll play back-and-forth games with you as long as you let him continue to get away with it. Why would he not do so? There seem to be no consequences for him when he does.

You deserve better, and that's particularly not what you need at the moment.

[adrienmundi]

I think he gets a charge out of knowing he has hooks in you, even after being such a huge ass. I think that making you say it only makes the charge greater for him; he's pumping up his ego at your expense. Someone who loved you, or even had a shred of respect for you, wouldn't do that.

[ladymerrydeath.livejournal.com]

Kalina, as someone who has been through this, I say let him go. I know how hard it is and that you feel alone. Believe me I did too.
Many years later, that boy and I spoke. He apologised for everything he had ever done to me. And to think I was scared of him...he was afraid of me. We became friends. To-day, I wonder where is he and if he is alright...or if he is alive.
It takes a great deal of time to find one's way, even if his is "lost," do not let him take you with him where he goes. That is not your path. Yours for now, is to be the strong woman you are...to find her, if she is lost. Lean on your friends, that is why we are here afterall. Find your strength in us, reflected back at you.
He needs the things you gave him...it is also a comfort to him. But, it is his fault for coming to you with his wants and needs at this time. He knows he can rely on you no matter what. He should rely on himself. "Love" is the word that brings us all back, men and women alike. It makes us strong and weak, brave and afraid...women tend to equate love wtih sex, it should not be so. Only in the context of a devoted relationship does it have that meaning. Well, not totally...Love and sex should be kept in separate boxes. I think especially now for you. I do not mean to be harsh, but for now self-love is of greater importance.
Keep him at a distance. Make sure that he still takes his resposibilities like a man. This weekend do be careful, do not let his words lull you back into his arms. It will make for more heartache and pain...and it comes quickly, then lingers.
You may have to wait on that friendship. Do not be disappointed if it does not work out that way. It was meant to be. It sounds like he still has a good bit of growing up to do and cannot handle it alone. That does not mean you have to help him. To grow he too must be on his own. Let him be.
Moreover, you should be at the centre of things...you and what to do with your pregnancy. It is not about him, it is about you and your path and life.

[satanicmechanic.livejournal.com]

Both Fairyhead and ladymerrydeath said most of what i had on my mind....

To add a bit....

LMD said:"You may have to wait on that friendship. Do not be disappointed if it does not work out that way."

This is VERY true...im like the king of being friends with exes. It makes grrlie nuts sometimes...but it cant be forced...you have to both be on the same path or a parallel one....he doesnt seem to be...and the way he is fucking with you it doesnt seem a healthy path for you. He is toxic to you...he fucks with your head and your heart....everytime you start to get strong it seems he senses that and has to do whatever it takes to knock your legs out from under you. STOP LETTING HIM.

LMD said you should be careful this weekend...i personally feel you shouldnt even hang out with him...but im an ass that way. IF i had any control over the situation he would be kept far away from you for at least 6 months...if not longer..until you had a chance to TRULY get over him and heal and be able to look back and see what he is doing now from a different perspective. Not one so close.

Good luck either way and be careful. THis guy is a slime and i dont trust him as far as i can throw him.

[ladymerrydeath.livejournal.com]

Not being argumentative, the only reason for my saying be careful is that she said she is going to spend time with him. A decision that is hers, but I cannot make. If I were to make it, like you, I would say no to him.
The one thing I do want is to keep him responsible, and do his part. I do not think you are being too harsh, you are right.

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

As much as it hurts, yes, as others have said and implied, time to distance yourself. I can't speak to his intentions -- his mind is probably a big mess, and I don't exactly get a sense of sinister intent. But even so, it's hurting and most certainly not helping you. If he wants to help, the lovey dovey stuff is way down the ladder from providing for basic needs - i.e. health and financial.

And if he can't or won't do that, well, he'll sell for $5.99 a pound in the deep Amazon.

[skiadaimonos.livejournal.com]

Hm...
I know you just barely, and i do not know him at all.
It really is none of my business giving opinions about your life, though quite honestly i would really like to see you free of all this badness.

Now, with those disclamers in place, I guess what fairyhead said makes the most sense to me. No matter what his intentions, and what is going on in his mind, and how much he may be suffering as well, and what future there may or may not be there, this back and forth, in the end, is rather disrespectful of you and *your* troubles. Here's hoping that he remains a trustworthy friend, offering due support. Maybe the rest should wait for the solid foundation this may build?

Tactical/Strategic analysis

[libidoergosum.livejournal.com]

My apologies for what is about to follow. I know that you need emotional support right now, but just as valuable is a cold analysis of what could be going on.

Tactical analysis:
bringing up the love issues appears to short circuit your defense mechanisms. Note: He brings up these issues when it's just the two of you, no witnesses, no allies. He tends to find you when you are least able to stick to your guns. These alone would be circumstantial, together they paint a picture. I'm not at all pleased with the picture they paint. I'm seeing a person that is deliberately playing on your emotional and psychological vulnerabilities.

Strategic analysis:
From my vantage point he's not going for the outright win. He's trying to win a little bit at a time. If you push your opponent back one inch at an engagement, if you continue to engage them, you'll eventually gain some appreciable ground. He's methodical.

I don't want to get into personal opinions because that is counterproductive.

To regain tactical advantage you need to engage him in public. Preferably in public where you have allies. Like it or not, this is a conflict. You can choose to be engaged and loose ground, or you can choose to engage and gain ground. Hold his feet to his fire.
End Analysis.

What Little I Have To Add

[pktheater.livejournal.com]

I don't think a friendship is a possibility. I'm sorry to say that, since I know you really want him to do the appropriate thing. I base this opinion on my own past and what I have observed with others. When "Jane" broke it off with me, she swore to want to remain friends. What she really wanted was a simblance off control over me. She wanted to keep me from "poisoning" our mutual friends against her.

Regardless of his reasons, he is still trying to control you. It might be a power issue. It might be a self-esteem issue. It might be a multiple personalities issue. It might be an issue of Newsweek for all I know. But the pattern I see is manipulation. Just about every other comment here that I've read is something I agree with.

Being alone is a scary thing. I've watched dozens of friends and family members make major mistakes to avoid being alone. But I've spent lots of time alone and some time in relationships. It takes the same amount of strength to be alone as it does to maintain a healthy relationship. The rewards and trials are just different. I know you have the strength to be alone because you had the strength to try to have a relationship.

Just remember, no man is worth compromising your sanity, integrity, happiness, or strength over. Just continue to tell yourself what Sarah said at the end of Labyrinth when confronting Jareth: You have no power over me.

{hugs}

[victoria-lane.livejournal.com]

I'm probably the one person who knows where you are at exactly. I, too, recently hooked up with my lover and it was the best I have felt in months.

The only thing I can think to say is what I am telling myself... He's not going to change. So either adjust your vision of what sort of relationship you have accordingly or lay down the law, making him work for it for once.

[hell-on-heels.livejournal.com]

FH and LMD have very good points. This is time to focus on yourself and becoming YOU again. You have your decisions to make that are for you alone and coddling him only muddies those waters. No one wants to be alone, but take it from the Queen of singledom, its much more satisfying to be alone and whole than with someone who makes you feel broken.

[prncesbuttercup.livejournal.com]

For what it is worth. I realize that we are not close, but I still have a great deal of concern for even casual friends. This especially when I know that they mean so much to other friends that we have in common. Also in the short time that I did spend with you so long ago my impression of you is that you are a strong woman who usually gets what she wants out of life even if it means you have to work really hard to get there. I think that you also have a need to please others inorder to fill the void you seem to have. Like seeking acceptance. This is not the time to please others. It is you that needs some pleasing and it is you who needs to make others please you. It seems your friends have good advice and you will need them around to remind you of yourself when things get tough. I wish you all the best I have had my share of bad relationships and hard situations and it was always my friends who helped me stand when I was weak or down. Let them help you.