The story...LONG...
Jun. 12th, 2003 06:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittenspeaksSo, I had left karaoke. He showed up at my place about 20 minutes later. I met him at the door, returned his hat and said nothing. He asked to use my bathroom. I conceeded and let him in. I returned to my couch and the laptop. When he emerged from the bathroom he sat next to me on the couch.
"So, you staying for a bit."
"Yeah. What did they say?"
"They said the same thing as both the urine tests. I am pregnant. Only now we knoe there is a conception date of April 6-13th... Remember the week you hunted me down at the star bar and asked me to take you home with me? Talked about our "trial period"? Spent most of the week in bed with me...that would be when."
There was much conversation after that of me being kind of angry and crying a lot and letting him know he has been an asshole to walk out on me when I told him I was pregnant. He asked me if I wanted him back. I said no.
"I think I can fairly safely say that I don't love you anymore."
His reply- He kissed me. Deeply. Then he said "I had hoped that we could take a little time to grow and change than then..."
"Then what?"
"Well, it doesn't mater if you don't love me anymore."
Then he kissed me again. Longer, deeper.
"Now, tell me again that you don't love me anyore."
I just wept.
"When I came over a couple of weeks ago to tell you we needed to stay away from each other you asked me if I could say that I didn't love you. Ask me that again."
"Ok, tell me that you don't love me."
"I can't."
I just cried more.
We talked more. He agreed to be more supportive emotionaly and financially with the whole pregnancy thing and to generally try to be a friend.
So, I broke down. I talked about how sick I had been. I talked about how scary and alone it all was. I told him of all the offers from people to be here for me and me being unwilling to take it most of the time.
"Should I be the one whose shoulder you cry on?"
Me- more crying.
"Do you want me to stay the night?"
...
"Do you? I will. Do you want me to spend the night?"
"I don't know. I mean...."
"Please. Let me stay. Let me hold you and take care of you."
At this I just collapsed.
So, he stayed. He held me all night. He kissed me and apologized. He told me how much he had missed me. Then we slept. When we woke the next afternoon he began to kiss me. Morning mouth and all. He removed my clothes and we had sex. (I would ilke to say made love but I will not be so presumptious.) Between gasps he told me that he missed me, he had said before that I was still the most attractive woman he knew.
After, we held each other. We didn't talk. I think we both knew how complicated things were/are...pregnancy or no. (Sarah hit the nail on the head when she said "The two of you are still so wrapped up and hung up on each other you really just need to hash it all out.") I told him that we had to stop falling into bed together. He nodded. I told him that, to be honest, withthe pregnancy and how compliated it has already been I had been so scared and alone that I probably would have had sex with anyone who just held me and told me it was all going to be all right. This is really saying a lot for me since I am incapable of having casual sex.
As he was leaving I told him that I didn't want thing to be anymore complicated than they had to be.
"I know that you still have feelings for me that make being my friend difficult. It is a hard line to hold. So I'll make you a deal. You take the responsibiltiy to make sure that you continue to be a friend, especially about the pregnancy and I'll take the responsibility to make sure that we don't wind up having sex again until things are less confusing."
He just nodded.
Then he kisssed me.
Now, this is what I don't get...
HE is the one who decided that we couldn't be in a relationship until he is done "sorting out his life". With that- what difference does it make if I still love him? What difference does it make if he still loves me? It doesn't really change anything...right? Why did he need to make that a point? I really had resigned myself to the idea that he was just going to be an asshole about the whole thing. At best he might throw some money at the problem. (But, his chronic unemployment status made that very doubtful.)
Now....It is hard. All the resolve that I had to get through this without him is shaken. I have felt from the very begining that HE was the one who should be here for me in this because he was the other side of the equasion. It didn't relly have anything to do with the past 2 years of being in relationship. It wasn' t that he was ever my fiancee or boyfriend. It was that he is the one who got me pregnant and has responsibilites toward that end.
I do want us to be able to be friends. We were always good at that. I haven't really givenany thought to whether or not I could be in a romantic relationship with him or not. All I have really thought about the past couple of months is being pregnant, broke and unemployed. Solving this issue is the focus of my life. I have realized that since I do still have feelings for him that I can't be in a relationship with someone else because it would be unfair to the other person. But I haven't thought much about being back with Berny.
Why am I tossing all this out here? This is a locked post for women out there who I know are very strong and a couple of men who understand nd valuse feminine strength. I am feeling the need for that feminine strength. I need the input of strong women to tell me why Berny would need to bring up the love issue. I need the thoughts from other strong women for why I might have fallen back into bed with him so easily that night when I knew it was wrong. I need a view point of why Berny's input and support of all of this strife would be so much more soothing to me than that of every other person in my life...especially when I know I can't trust him to maintain it. Thoughts? Sympathy? Empathy? And yes, even the due smacks for being so...what ever it is I am being.....
He and I are supposed to maybe spend time together this weekend. I want the time with him as a friend. I want the placebo effect of his occasional support and compassion. But, that is ALL I want of our time together. I don't want to fall into the trap of "rewarding him for bad behavior" as D would put it.
"So, you staying for a bit."
"Yeah. What did they say?"
"They said the same thing as both the urine tests. I am pregnant. Only now we knoe there is a conception date of April 6-13th... Remember the week you hunted me down at the star bar and asked me to take you home with me? Talked about our "trial period"? Spent most of the week in bed with me...that would be when."
There was much conversation after that of me being kind of angry and crying a lot and letting him know he has been an asshole to walk out on me when I told him I was pregnant. He asked me if I wanted him back. I said no.
"I think I can fairly safely say that I don't love you anymore."
His reply- He kissed me. Deeply. Then he said "I had hoped that we could take a little time to grow and change than then..."
"Then what?"
"Well, it doesn't mater if you don't love me anymore."
Then he kissed me again. Longer, deeper.
"Now, tell me again that you don't love me anyore."
I just wept.
"When I came over a couple of weeks ago to tell you we needed to stay away from each other you asked me if I could say that I didn't love you. Ask me that again."
"Ok, tell me that you don't love me."
"I can't."
I just cried more.
We talked more. He agreed to be more supportive emotionaly and financially with the whole pregnancy thing and to generally try to be a friend.
So, I broke down. I talked about how sick I had been. I talked about how scary and alone it all was. I told him of all the offers from people to be here for me and me being unwilling to take it most of the time.
"Should I be the one whose shoulder you cry on?"
Me- more crying.
"Do you want me to stay the night?"
...
"Do you? I will. Do you want me to spend the night?"
"I don't know. I mean...."
"Please. Let me stay. Let me hold you and take care of you."
At this I just collapsed.
So, he stayed. He held me all night. He kissed me and apologized. He told me how much he had missed me. Then we slept. When we woke the next afternoon he began to kiss me. Morning mouth and all. He removed my clothes and we had sex. (I would ilke to say made love but I will not be so presumptious.) Between gasps he told me that he missed me, he had said before that I was still the most attractive woman he knew.
After, we held each other. We didn't talk. I think we both knew how complicated things were/are...pregnancy or no. (Sarah hit the nail on the head when she said "The two of you are still so wrapped up and hung up on each other you really just need to hash it all out.") I told him that we had to stop falling into bed together. He nodded. I told him that, to be honest, withthe pregnancy and how compliated it has already been I had been so scared and alone that I probably would have had sex with anyone who just held me and told me it was all going to be all right. This is really saying a lot for me since I am incapable of having casual sex.
As he was leaving I told him that I didn't want thing to be anymore complicated than they had to be.
"I know that you still have feelings for me that make being my friend difficult. It is a hard line to hold. So I'll make you a deal. You take the responsibiltiy to make sure that you continue to be a friend, especially about the pregnancy and I'll take the responsibility to make sure that we don't wind up having sex again until things are less confusing."
He just nodded.
Then he kisssed me.
Now, this is what I don't get...
HE is the one who decided that we couldn't be in a relationship until he is done "sorting out his life". With that- what difference does it make if I still love him? What difference does it make if he still loves me? It doesn't really change anything...right? Why did he need to make that a point? I really had resigned myself to the idea that he was just going to be an asshole about the whole thing. At best he might throw some money at the problem. (But, his chronic unemployment status made that very doubtful.)
Now....It is hard. All the resolve that I had to get through this without him is shaken. I have felt from the very begining that HE was the one who should be here for me in this because he was the other side of the equasion. It didn't relly have anything to do with the past 2 years of being in relationship. It wasn' t that he was ever my fiancee or boyfriend. It was that he is the one who got me pregnant and has responsibilites toward that end.
I do want us to be able to be friends. We were always good at that. I haven't really givenany thought to whether or not I could be in a romantic relationship with him or not. All I have really thought about the past couple of months is being pregnant, broke and unemployed. Solving this issue is the focus of my life. I have realized that since I do still have feelings for him that I can't be in a relationship with someone else because it would be unfair to the other person. But I haven't thought much about being back with Berny.
Why am I tossing all this out here? This is a locked post for women out there who I know are very strong and a couple of men who understand nd valuse feminine strength. I am feeling the need for that feminine strength. I need the input of strong women to tell me why Berny would need to bring up the love issue. I need the thoughts from other strong women for why I might have fallen back into bed with him so easily that night when I knew it was wrong. I need a view point of why Berny's input and support of all of this strife would be so much more soothing to me than that of every other person in my life...especially when I know I can't trust him to maintain it. Thoughts? Sympathy? Empathy? And yes, even the due smacks for being so...what ever it is I am being.....
He and I are supposed to maybe spend time together this weekend. I want the time with him as a friend. I want the placebo effect of his occasional support and compassion. But, that is ALL I want of our time together. I don't want to fall into the trap of "rewarding him for bad behavior" as D would put it.
