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Feb. 6th, 2023 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittenspeaksA bit of a follow-up on my closet purge/ body depression post:
I have been doing much reflecting and deep thinking in the attempts to figure out how I got to this place and how to prevent it in the future.
The biggest takeaway from it is: *I need to get out of my own way*. I realized I have been spending so much time and energy on diluting myself and I must stop.
The more detailed realizations:
There has been something of a cascade effect with my mind - body - wardrobe. I have never *loved* my body. (I'm not going to break that down in this post.)
Before leaving Chicago I was unhappier about my body than I had been in quite some time but I was much happier in the rest of my life than I had been in probably ever and that dwarfed the body image issues.
A couple of years after moving to Los Angeles I pointedly disliked my body. This was also the point where my hair and wardrobe started trending more camera friendly / neutral. (I could get more work as the midwestern soccer mom then I could as the middle aged punk.)
Then came the pandemic. In the peak of things I mostly just stopped trying to do anything about my mind - body - wardrobe. I leaned completely into yoga pants - baggie t-shirt- tank top - messy bun. This is very comfortable physically and definitely will keep a place in my life, but it is not comfortable mentally.
Slowly creeping out of the pandemic (logistically, not medically. Keep masking y'all) and I *hate* my body. Actively hate.
I refused to buy clothing that makes me happy because I did not want to clothe a body that I hate. Giving up clothes that I liked because they were for a body that I liked way more than this one really just hit a nerve that runs deep and is very painful.
So, I am actively working to take myself back.
The first step of this is hair and clothing that I like even if it isn't Midwest neutral. (I will still find the work. I have neutral headshots and wigs and clothing that will carry me through auditions if needed. After that I can adjust whatever needed for what I happen to be cast in.)
This also means getting clothes that I like for the body that I have now. In interest of that I spent several days across various websites and coupon codes and I spent roughly $50 to purchase eight or nine new pieces that I like. Spending that much money on clothes feels like a complete irresponsible indulgence. I will have to keep reminding myself that: 1) this is better for my mental health and 2) breaking this down to a price per item really isn't that bad (many people will spend that much money on just one item) so I'm not being absolutely frivolous.
A follow-up to getting the clothes that I like also means wearing them. I don't need to feel like it is an occasion to "dress up" to wear funky pants or a shirt with random hardware instead of yoga pants and scruffy t-shirts. It is okay if people see me. I I can't keep trying to obscure myself just because I am not happy with my body.
Brightly colored hair and plaid pants are not the long-term fix for all of this. I am fully aware of this and I will be working on things mentally and physically to find a healthy spot. For the time being I am giving myself permission to work from the outside in.
This post mainly exists so I can look back on it when I need to to bolster my resolve and remember my goals. It exists here, on this public platform, because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe it will make someone else feel a little better knowing they are not alone, they are not broken, and they deserve happiness.
I have been doing much reflecting and deep thinking in the attempts to figure out how I got to this place and how to prevent it in the future.
The biggest takeaway from it is: *I need to get out of my own way*. I realized I have been spending so much time and energy on diluting myself and I must stop.
The more detailed realizations:
There has been something of a cascade effect with my mind - body - wardrobe. I have never *loved* my body. (I'm not going to break that down in this post.)
Before leaving Chicago I was unhappier about my body than I had been in quite some time but I was much happier in the rest of my life than I had been in probably ever and that dwarfed the body image issues.
A couple of years after moving to Los Angeles I pointedly disliked my body. This was also the point where my hair and wardrobe started trending more camera friendly / neutral. (I could get more work as the midwestern soccer mom then I could as the middle aged punk.)
Then came the pandemic. In the peak of things I mostly just stopped trying to do anything about my mind - body - wardrobe. I leaned completely into yoga pants - baggie t-shirt- tank top - messy bun. This is very comfortable physically and definitely will keep a place in my life, but it is not comfortable mentally.
Slowly creeping out of the pandemic (logistically, not medically. Keep masking y'all) and I *hate* my body. Actively hate.
I refused to buy clothing that makes me happy because I did not want to clothe a body that I hate. Giving up clothes that I liked because they were for a body that I liked way more than this one really just hit a nerve that runs deep and is very painful.
So, I am actively working to take myself back.
The first step of this is hair and clothing that I like even if it isn't Midwest neutral. (I will still find the work. I have neutral headshots and wigs and clothing that will carry me through auditions if needed. After that I can adjust whatever needed for what I happen to be cast in.)
This also means getting clothes that I like for the body that I have now. In interest of that I spent several days across various websites and coupon codes and I spent roughly $50 to purchase eight or nine new pieces that I like. Spending that much money on clothes feels like a complete irresponsible indulgence. I will have to keep reminding myself that: 1) this is better for my mental health and 2) breaking this down to a price per item really isn't that bad (many people will spend that much money on just one item) so I'm not being absolutely frivolous.
A follow-up to getting the clothes that I like also means wearing them. I don't need to feel like it is an occasion to "dress up" to wear funky pants or a shirt with random hardware instead of yoga pants and scruffy t-shirts. It is okay if people see me. I I can't keep trying to obscure myself just because I am not happy with my body.
Brightly colored hair and plaid pants are not the long-term fix for all of this. I am fully aware of this and I will be working on things mentally and physically to find a healthy spot. For the time being I am giving myself permission to work from the outside in.
This post mainly exists so I can look back on it when I need to to bolster my resolve and remember my goals. It exists here, on this public platform, because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe it will make someone else feel a little better knowing they are not alone, they are not broken, and they deserve happiness.
