Closet Purge and Body Depression
Jan. 29th, 2023 09:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kittenspeaksI posted this on my FB but it seems this is a much better format for "real" posts and things that I want to follow up on in my life.
CW: Weight, Depression, Grief, Body Negativity
Well, there it is. I have finally purged my closet of basically everything that has been in my "maybe I'll lose back down to it" storage. One garment bag of fancy/ truly unique things. One garment bag of very nice dresses and suits. One trash bag of nice and or interesting slacks shirts and jackets. And half a bag of just common things that are still in good condition. They are now packed into my car to be donated to Out of the Closet Thrift Stores tomorrow (or the next day).
Some of it is stuff I wore just before the pandemic. Mostly practical things but still things that I liked but are, ultimately, replaceable in some form or fashion.
Most of it is stuff from before LA and the majority of it even from before Chicago. I don't think I'm getting back to my 3 years ago pre-pandemic weight anytime soon so I'm certainly not getting back to my 25 years ago clubbing and conventioning all the time weight.
Giving up these pieces really does break my heart. The things in these bags are the things that I wore 99.9% of the times I felt attractive. (Right now I have one dress and two pairs of pants that I'm really happy to wear. Everything else is just stuff that fits and functions.)
Many of these pieces are unique because they were custom made by individual artists or they were samples from companies like Lip Service and Stop Staring. I don't have the energy to live that life anymore but I absolutely miss the camaraderie and showmanship of it. I kind of miss when Wednesday night was basically always a reason to get dressed up.
So now, I am mourning that part of my life again. I am also mourning the body that I had then. Not only was I slimmer but I was also not as plagued by the fibromyalgia, not as ravaged by many of the medications irresponsibly prescribed over the years, and not as sweaty, bloated, and shaky with perimenopause. (Yes, I know, getting older is inevitable but that acceptance is not what this is about.)
I will always plant my flag and die on the hill of "Weight is not an indicator of health. Health is not an indicator of value." body positivity. But as many of us who are above average weight will tell you, sometimes the best you can do is body acceptance.
Right now I don't even have that acceptance. Right now it is just depression and anger and anxiety and regret.
(I will also say right now this is not the post where you reply with suggestions of how to alter my diet or physical activity or cast blame because changes to my diet or physical activity could have prevented this and I will immediately cut anyone who does that out of my life. This is about my brain more than my body and I don't need anyone else's "well meaning" body shaming on top of my own.)
CW: Weight, Depression, Grief, Body Negativity
Well, there it is. I have finally purged my closet of basically everything that has been in my "maybe I'll lose back down to it" storage. One garment bag of fancy/ truly unique things. One garment bag of very nice dresses and suits. One trash bag of nice and or interesting slacks shirts and jackets. And half a bag of just common things that are still in good condition. They are now packed into my car to be donated to Out of the Closet Thrift Stores tomorrow (or the next day).
Some of it is stuff I wore just before the pandemic. Mostly practical things but still things that I liked but are, ultimately, replaceable in some form or fashion.
Most of it is stuff from before LA and the majority of it even from before Chicago. I don't think I'm getting back to my 3 years ago pre-pandemic weight anytime soon so I'm certainly not getting back to my 25 years ago clubbing and conventioning all the time weight.
Giving up these pieces really does break my heart. The things in these bags are the things that I wore 99.9% of the times I felt attractive. (Right now I have one dress and two pairs of pants that I'm really happy to wear. Everything else is just stuff that fits and functions.)
Many of these pieces are unique because they were custom made by individual artists or they were samples from companies like Lip Service and Stop Staring. I don't have the energy to live that life anymore but I absolutely miss the camaraderie and showmanship of it. I kind of miss when Wednesday night was basically always a reason to get dressed up.
So now, I am mourning that part of my life again. I am also mourning the body that I had then. Not only was I slimmer but I was also not as plagued by the fibromyalgia, not as ravaged by many of the medications irresponsibly prescribed over the years, and not as sweaty, bloated, and shaky with perimenopause. (Yes, I know, getting older is inevitable but that acceptance is not what this is about.)
I will always plant my flag and die on the hill of "Weight is not an indicator of health. Health is not an indicator of value." body positivity. But as many of us who are above average weight will tell you, sometimes the best you can do is body acceptance.
Right now I don't even have that acceptance. Right now it is just depression and anger and anxiety and regret.
(I will also say right now this is not the post where you reply with suggestions of how to alter my diet or physical activity or cast blame because changes to my diet or physical activity could have prevented this and I will immediately cut anyone who does that out of my life. This is about my brain more than my body and I don't need anyone else's "well meaning" body shaming on top of my own.)
