Space to think...in a rare public post

[kittenspeaks]

This weekend really gave me room to think and clear out some cobwebs.
I know I have a long path to get over my addiction. And I know that I would rather reassign it to someone healthy rather than give it up.
I also got a chance to feel what it is like to really be accepted and loved again. To have people hug me and hold me and feel an energy pouring from them into me instead of just sucking it from me.
I have spent to so long now hurting myself to make others feel better or to avoid hurting them. I know that is also a pattern that will be hard to break but, it must be broken. A certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in my life. It is who I am.
But, this weekend I was still a caregiver and passive leader (just ask krighammer and mwferrets) and it wasn't something that was taken for granted. People were grateful and appreciative. They were thankful and reciprocal.
I have two or three people in my immediate life that are like that on a regular basis. That is far too few.
It is also all my own fault.
I am often asked why certain things that people do don't piss me of more. I explain that it is because I have come to accept that is how people are and I do not expect better or worse from them.
In a way I am rewarding them for their bad behavior.
I have no one to blame but myself for so much that has come to pass.
So now it is time to stop blaming and take responsibility.
And more over to give responsibility.

I feel so much better and so much worse.
I realize now that I have been more alone for longer than I had thought.
I also realize the deeper value of the love that I do (or did) have.

Comments

[blueinatl.livejournal.com]

It sounds like this weekend was great for you. I'm sorry I don't say more, but I'm always here.

*hugs*

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Responsibility is one of my most favouritest words.

Nicely said.

[ninsun.livejournal.com]

it was wonderful to see you out and about and having so much fun this weekend!!!!
see ya on friday. :)

[fahkingnut.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

Nothing like a new med and a little insight alignment to give you a fresher start on things.

Love & Hugs,
FahKingNut

[adrienmundi]

"Passive leader"? Please, tell me more.

[kittenspeaks.livejournal.com]

I found myself many many times being in a postion where people were seeking information for things as direct as camp locations or as round about as how the concept of gifting worked. Even though I wasn't working there and had no reason to be helpful- I did.
One night as I got up and walked around late I happened across a couple of people who were lost (mentally and physically) and I (quite literally) lead them out of the woods. And other points when people were trying to come up with some kind of game plan for their various adventures I ended up being the one to collect all of the ideas and cobble them into a balanced and equitable structure.

I was never the one to really spearhead anything or really offer much except simple information or balance. So, I see it as passive leadership.

[kittenspeaks.livejournal.com]

I am not giving up yet but I am still hating the meds. They make me feel like I am in mental putty. I am slow to process things.
But, another week or two for my system to settle into it...

But the insight was fantastic.

[kittenspeaks.livejournal.com]

I wish we could have hung out more.
How was camping in the RV?

See you Friday!!!

[kittenspeaks.livejournal.com]

Thanks.
I think I have set myself up way too often to be people's emotional dumping ground.
I love to listen and help but that isn't the way I have been dumped on.
I just hope I have the strength to see these changes through.
After all, change is hard.
Inevitable...but hard.

[kittenspeaks.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
It was such an amazing weekend.
You still owe me an evening out. pbbhhhhttttt!!!
Miss ya beautiful

[ninsun.livejournal.com]

it was a very long walk....yes, i wish we could have but the weekend seemed way too short!!!!

[drjeep.livejournal.com]

Oh Woe upon us the great enablers...

I'm right there with you. We accept people for who they are and empower them to continue in their faults without really giving them any reason to improve themselves.

I'm working on correcting that also in myself.

I wish I had been there this past weekend. It may have taken some of the edge off what I'm going through, but then... I seem to be doing okay right now.

*HUGS*

We totally need to communicate.

Peace...

Jeep

[karis-straif.livejournal.com]

You are truly awesome and I am very glad to know you.
You have a good heart and eventually those who really care will be drawn to that candle... a lot of users will too, but the important and real ones stay... the others wither under their own lies.

"Burn the Lies!"

Hugs ~K~

[blueinatl.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and I haven't forgotten about an evening out.

Let's see if we can get our schedules can coordinate.

PLUS you should come to my party in Sept!! It should be a blast - lots of cool people.