Space to think...in a rare public post

[kittenspeaks]

This weekend really gave me room to think and clear out some cobwebs.
I know I have a long path to get over my addiction. And I know that I would rather reassign it to someone healthy rather than give it up.
I also got a chance to feel what it is like to really be accepted and loved again. To have people hug me and hold me and feel an energy pouring from them into me instead of just sucking it from me.
I have spent to so long now hurting myself to make others feel better or to avoid hurting them. I know that is also a pattern that will be hard to break but, it must be broken. A certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in my life. It is who I am.
But, this weekend I was still a caregiver and passive leader (just ask krighammer and mwferrets) and it wasn't something that was taken for granted. People were grateful and appreciative. They were thankful and reciprocal.
I have two or three people in my immediate life that are like that on a regular basis. That is far too few.
It is also all my own fault.
I am often asked why certain things that people do don't piss me of more. I explain that it is because I have come to accept that is how people are and I do not expect better or worse from them.
In a way I am rewarding them for their bad behavior.
I have no one to blame but myself for so much that has come to pass.
So now it is time to stop blaming and take responsibility.
And more over to give responsibility.

I feel so much better and so much worse.
I realize now that I have been more alone for longer than I had thought.
I also realize the deeper value of the love that I do (or did) have.